this is not...

this is not a post about how not being enough is tugging on me today.

this is not a post about how sometimes i think about how small ellie jane's heart was inside her nine-pound body when she had surgery and the way that thought almost pushes me into a ball in the corner but then she will run into the room and laugh and insist on putting on her sparkle shoes so she can run outside and i find my breath again.

this is not a post about how the labels that float across the universe and into my mind feel like leaden balloons that won't let me dance the way my heart and legs long to dance.

this is not a post about how i almost forgot to pay attention because i was so wrapped up in the old story of feeling forgotten.

this is not a post about how i've had two horrible nightmares in the last two weeks that i still can't shake since they seemed so real.

this is not a post about how much i'm looking forward to staying at the ACE hotel in Portland next weekend and how i am slowly realizing i have an entire day to myself on monday with nothing on the agenda until the evening.

this is not a post about how i'm having first day of school jitters about the world domination summit.

this is not a post about how much i can't wait to show you the photographs vivienne took at the your story retreat.

this is not a post about how i might be the only person excited that it hasn't been hot this summer (yet).

this is not a post about how much i love my new haircut.

this is not a post about how much iced tea i plan to drink from my huge starbucks cup this summer.

this is not a post about how sometimes i talk about simple silly things because all i really want to talk about is grief.

this is not a post about how much i wish you would remember. 

this is a post about how important it is to do things together, just the two of us. even if one of us is working on her half of the table. even if we are annoying each other. even if the restaurant is so loud we can't have a conversation. even if i might get more "done" alone. even if he would have rather gone to a movie. yes. this is a post to remind me to create more space for two people who need to see one another.