show up as me

At the beginning of my Create Space ecourse, I ask the students to claim an intention for themselves as they begin. I practice this with them, and in the Fall class, my intention was "show up as me." This weekend, I have been thinking about what I wrote about this intention: 

This is my intention because, at times, I can get so distracted by my whirling mind and the shoulds and the "who does she think she is" gremlins and wishing for more time and the comparisons to others and how the list goes on. Knowing these things about me has gently pushed me to focus on just showing up as me and trusting myself more as I do this. 

I have been thinking about these words because I have been thinking about how really leaning into wholeness might affect my blog and how I blog. When I come to this space, I do show up as me. However, as I wrote above, sometimes those whirling thoughts of "who does she thinks she is" and the comparisons come up, and I don't always tell the stories here that I long to tell.

And there are some stories I long to tell:

I want to talk more about poetry. Some of you might remember that I used to post about poetry every Thursday when I co-led a poetry community a few years ago. When that project ended, I didn't post about poetry as often for a lot of reasons that I can't even remember now. Starting this week, there will be more poetry.

I want to tell you more about the experience of writing Inner Excavation. I want to share thoughts on how it has really been to have a real live book on a shelf in bookstores and tell the truth about how my book shipping from Amazon on the same day my daughter had open-heart surgery has affected my entire experience with "the real live book."

I want to tell you more about Ellie and my world as a mama. For some reason I have worried that people will come here and think "oh how quaint, she blogs all about her kid now" and miss the whole point. But really, I long to tell you more about our days and about a few things concerning her health and share some things I have learned about having a child with "an illness." I really want to talk about my experience of letting go of how you think it is supposed to be or how you thought you would be as a parent, especially when your daughter's cardiologist says things like, "it is time to let her have milkshakes and french fries" because getting weight on her and her keeping it on is more important than the shame of not being one of those "natural mamas" you hoped you might become. (And then there is the whole "yes, she has plastic toys" shame and the "she watches Mickey Mouse Clubhouse because it always gets rid of her grumps" shame...oh how I want to invite all of us to let go of this shame.)

I want to tell you about how incredible and somewhat wacky it was to experience such growth in my Etsy business, host five retreats, begin to write a series of articles for a magazine, teach two online classes, and begin some incredible projects all while being a work at home mom in 2011. (I think I can only talk about it now that I am on the other side and saw that it was possible. But oh my goodness there were times that I thought I was drowning yet I kept going and learned this: I always get it all done, especially when I take time to rest.)

I want to talk more about the Be Present Retreats and share photos and stories from participants about what happens at the retreats and their experiences. I want to tell you about how leading and teaching at these retreats has invited me to realize I am truly at home when I do this work.

I want to go on more self-portrait adventures and encourage you to do the same. I want to share more about self-portraits and why I feel they are such a beautiful way to feel deeply seen.

I want to talk more about how I am trying to push myself to come from a place of compassion when I realize I am having a "knee-jerk" reaction to something or someone.

I want to share more about how I wish we would all let go of whispering "who does she think she is?" and instead stand tall in the truth of who we are.

Yes, there is so much I want to share, and this list feels like it is just the beginning.

Thank you for coming along...